Purely Scientific
by PastaWar19
Summary: Roy couldn't stop pissing off the Fullmetal Alchemist. Ed, who has finally had enough, uses the scientific method to find out the best way to shut the Colonel up. The first time Edward Elric kissed Roy Mustang, it was purely scientific. Roy/Ed. Yaoi.


Fullmetal Alchemist

Purely Scientific

**This is my first FMA fic, so please be nice. I am also a huge supporter of RoyEd, and I agree that it is a really wonderful pairing. ^_^ Enjoy! **

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The first time Edward Elric kissed Roy Mustang, it was purely scientific.

Roy was verbally assaulting Ed with a bunch of inanities about his height, which, obviously, Ed did not want to hear about.

"I honestly can't believe you managed to maintain that height for so long, Fullmetal. I bet you can't even surpass my paperwork sitting on the table in my office right now," Colonel Roy Mustang droned on gleefully as they walked back to his office, knowing that he was pissing Edward off.

Ed knew that yelling at the Colonel would not actually work, for he did that almost all the time. He knew that hitting him would be worse, since the effect would most definitely not be a shut-up Roy.

"You should listen to Alphonse and Winry, and drink your milk."

Kissing him just seemed like the most logical way to shut him up.

Edward tried it, experimentally. He waited until they reached a place without any people. Before he knew it, his hypothesis held and his methods worked- incredibly well, even. To add to Ed's contentment, the momentary wide-eyed expression of surprise on the Colonel's face had been a pleasant bonus to the sudden quiet.

Roy Mustang certainly did not expect to be kissed by the Fullmetal Alchemist while walking with him to his office.

Edward Elric liked it. A lot. Although he would never admit it to anyone, he enjoyed kissing an unsuspecting Colonel Mustang.

When they pulled apart, Roy still had a mildly surprised expression on his face. "Fullmetal…"

"Shut up."

All Ed got was a smirk. "Did you do that just to shut me up?"

"I said SHUT UP."

And he did.

The second time he'd kissed Roy Mustang, it had also worked. Well, he had to put more effort into it, though, since he didn't quite have the element of surprise working for him as he had the first time. He was okay with that.

The point of science was to push beyond pre-established boundaries, after all, and it had shut the Colonel up. That was important.

It was important because Edward hadn't been particularly interested in what forms of torture the other man had decided to shower upon him. Listening to taunts about his height, complaints about not having been careful on his journeys, requests for even the smallest things... Ed wasn't having any of this. He simply grabbed the Colonel's collar and kissed him mid-sentence, hard enough to show that he was serious. Roy groaned a little in response, to show that he didn't care at all if Ed was serious.

The need for oxygen had forced Ed to end his scientific experiment, and as the two parted later that day, he wondered if kissing Roy was actually more than an experiment.

He was starting to enjoy those precious moments.

Edward was also slightly pleased to note that the increased stimulus would cause the Colonel to be silent for long periods of time, a little while after application. This was only because Roy was partially confused about his feelings toward the Fullmetal Alchemist. Was their relationship simply a colonel-state alchemist relationship? Was he only concerned lightly for the golden-eyed boy's welfare? Or did he really love him?

Thoughts of Roy and Ed aside, the scientific kissing method used had worked for several times already. That in itself was causing some suspicion on Ed's part, however.

In fact, he was beginning to suspect just a tiny bit, that the Colonel was deliberately talking more when he was around just so they could get to the shutting up part faster.

That was a new variable to work around.

Unfortunately, Ed hadn't thought that Roy would know enough about scientific processes to realize that if he wanted to be kissed, he just had to talk a lot. Ed had almost forgotten that Roy Mustang was a Colonel _and_ a Flame Alchemist.

In short, Roy caught up to the methods used quickly. Ed was stuck.

It seemed that his experiment inadvertently conditioned the Colonel to talk at a pace that rivaled Winry's whenever she was angry and horrifyingly, even Armstrong's whenever he was talking about himself. The young alchemist didn't know exactly how to deal with him at a frequency like that. It sounded dangerous even in the hypothetical stage of his mind.

And so, Ed decided that the best thing would be to quickly think of another way to shut Roy up. Apparently, occupying his mouth with activities other than talking only left the Colonel with a desire to speak more.

That wasn't good.

Deep in thought, Edward mused that the next most logical step was to intensify the stimulus in hopes of completely deterring whatever convoluted thought trains were currently bulleting through Roy's mind.

He would sometimes even apply the stimulus repeatedly without losing the level of intensity for long periods of time. That sometimes exhausted the Colonel enough for him not to speak for a few long minutes. During those minutes, only meaningful gazes were exchanged between the two alchemists. Edward enjoyed that part a lot- not as much as the kissing itself, though.

Sighing, Ed leaned back in his chair, chewing thoughtfully at the end of his pen. Al was most probably in the other room, reading up on books to help find the Philosopher's Stone. The older Elric almost felt ashamed- he was thinking of Roy Mustang while his brother was working hard on accomplishing their one goal.

Ed decided to enjoy his free time more by thinking of ways to shut up the Colonel and prevent him from seducing him at the same time. What could possibly be the next most logical action to undertake?

Deciding to be organized for this, Ed pulled out a sheet of paper from his books and began to write.

1. Intensify stimulus.

2. Will be physically/mentally exhausting for victim (Ed didn't know whether to call the Colonel this or not, but decided to have some fun with it).

3. Easily applicable/maintainable on my part.

4. Shuts the victim up for a good period of time.

5. Is satisfying for us both.

It was probably unprofessional for him to have been laughing softly and making evil faces while writing the list, but Ed really couldn't help himself.

He tapped the end of his pen on the corner of the table and wondered whether this was all just a deliberate ploy to get something out of him on the Colonel's part.

Because from his list, the next step was really starting to look a lot like…

…well, you know.

He sweatdropped. Science was not a discipline that minced words. It was straightforward, blunt, and to the point. Bold and unafraid.

Ed took a deep breath. The next step was really starting to look a lot like…

…forget it.

It wasn't like he had to explain it to anybody. And besides,_ that_ wasn't the point. Now, all he had to do was try the theory out in a carefully controlled experiment. He still needed to perform the actual experiment before he could verify his hypothesis.

Ed sighed and stood up, ready to visit the Colonel once again.

In the name of science… and… something else…

"Brother, where are you going?" Al looked up from the book he was reading and stared curiously at Ed.

"I'm going to visit the Colonel and ask if he's found anything useful…"

He was about to walk out the door when Al answered softly, "You and the Colonel… There's something going on, isn't there?"

"What are you talking about?" Ed asked, pretending to be clueless.

"Brother, don't pretend to be clueless," Al said knowingly, "I don't care if you're in some relationship with him. Just don't… get too carried away or something…"

Ed glared at the suit of armor which was his brother. "We have to get our bodies back, Al! That is definitely not something I can exchange for the Colonel. Don't worry, we're just…"

"Yeah, Ed, I know."

Al smiled as his brother made his way out the door.

The Colonel, huh? He never knew Ed had it in him…

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Roy Mustang leaned back on his chair, bored. He had surprisingly finished his paperwork in less than ten minutes in time, though it was most probably because Lieutenant Colonel Riza Hawkeye had been forcing him to.

He stood up and decided to call it a day. He opened the door and bumped into something.

"Oi! Watch where you're going!"

"Oh, Fullmetal. I didn't see you there," Roy said, grinning.

Ed glared up at him fiercely. "Shut up."

"Why don't you make me?"

He hesitated, looking away. "Not here."

Roy laughed and led the younger alchemist down the hall. "So, Fullmetal, you decided to pay me another visit this week. Third time, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I just wanted to check if you found anything on-"

"Oh, really?" he interrupted, looking at Ed wearily, "Apparently, I haven't found anything."

They talked for a while, and Ed realized that he was cornered. They had already exited the building, and Roy had led him to a bunch of trees.

He listened as the Colonel talked about the usual, and soon, he had had enough. Ed decided to get straight to business and shrugged his elbow out of the man's grasp, tiptoeing just high enough to kiss him.

Roy smiled, content that they had reached that part quickly, and put Ed's hand in his, leading him to his car.

He had waited for too long.

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Ed scowled as Roy's face appeared over his, obscuring his view of the car ceiling and disrupting his mental calculations. Roy was smirking at him. Smirking.

He regarded him with a small glare, and after a while of looking into each other's eyes, mentally noted (rather sourly) that Roy didn't need his mouth open to get him pissed off.

However, scientifically speaking, the other man wasn't actually, physically saying anything. That had been the point, right? Ed glanced outside. The sun had already set. Thus, his theory could technically be considered proven right now.

Intensified stimulus (or extreme kissing) could shut the Colonel up for long periods of time. His theory was proven.

"I would never have expected us to be doing this in my car…" Roy muttered.

Ed glared at him. "You're the one who led me in here and pushed me down on the seats."

"You're the one who started kissing me in the first place."

There was silence as the two lay down, staring at each other. Roy started again.

"Hey, Fullmetal…" he said quietly, "If I continue talking, then…"

And Ed quickly rolled over, proceeding to shut Roy up.

It was all purely scientific.

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_**Author's Note: **I really think that was one of the crappiest things I've ever written. I'm just a fan of this pairing so I decided to write a fic about it. The first idea I got was this. Yeah, I know. It sucks, doesn't it? Whoever thinks otherwise, please review. Or not. :)_

_-Pasta W 19. :D  
_


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